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Apropos, Mayrhofen im Zillertal

I’d like to be able to say that this place was a bit of an eye opener to me, except that it was almost impossible to open your eyes in here due to the permanent, thick fog of stale smoke and complete absence of ventilation. The pub – technically a Nachtcafe – is a long cellar under the main street of Mayrhofen, Tirol, and most nights it was impossible to see from one end to the other. Until my first visit to Apropos – Appies from now on – most of my drinking had been confined to isolated freehouses in the Welsh Marches. Which is another way of saying that I was naïve about almost every facet of adult life. Prior to my first descent of the steps into this beautiful subterranean galley, the last pub I’d been to was a flat roofer on a caravan park in Mid Wales, full of people from the Black Country who had accidentally bought mobile homes in a country that they seemed to utterly despise. Now I was a thousand miles away in a pub that I would come to feel more accepted in than I ever had ...
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The Cider Barn, Draycott

Oh my fucking tits, what have we walked into? I can't recall a time in my life when the expectation/reality matrix has been fucked any harder than this. Except some jobs I've done. And some Tinder dates,  de rigueur . I was in Zummerzet for Zoider. And who could possibly resist a specialist cider bar at the foot of the Mendip Hills (immortalised by Adge Cutler and The Wurzels). This is an easy win. Local, natural, traditional cider. Some people come to Somerset purely for the cider. I know I fucking did. Not exactly a captive market, but a fairly reliable one surely? Sell a quality product, and don't take the piss - people will keep coming back for more.  The Cider Barn in Draycott however, have taken a different tack. Imagine if you will a specialist real ale bar that served Doombar, Greene King IPA, and Caffreys. Imagine going to a fancy wine bar that had Echo Falls, Blossom Hill, and Blue Nun. You would scream, and quite rightly, "I have been massively fucking misle...

The Old Bakehouse, Welshpool

Plenty of 'craft beer bars' *eurgh...* have opened in vacant retail units or gentrified market halls. I'm sure that I'll write about many more, good and bad. I'm not sure however, many have opened in derelict Victorian lean-tos on inauspicious gyratories of provincial Welsh market towns which are the polar opposite of gentrified. I would guess few. Being somewhat au fait with the locale, I am sure the building in question has been out of use for at least thirty years, and was probably in its heyday at roughly the same time that the canal was. I assume that the name wasn't plucked out of the ether, and that this was indeed a bakery in the olden times, but for everybody in Pool barring the most ancient it has always been a boarded up red brick abutment which has drawn the eye of absolutely nobody. How it used to look I'm pleased to say that things have changed. Actually, I'm not pleased to say that. It;s a lot more fun to slag off places, but this is due t...

Rules of The Pub: 21 - 30

It's been a while, but here's the rub. I only come to learn of things that pubs are doing wrong by going to shit pubs. This is something I try my hardest to avoid. Money is tight and life is short. I prefer to spend my time and money in fantastic pubs that are doing little wrong (I type this from The Snowdrop in Lewes) and therefore examples of terrible pub etiquette will become scarce. But, I am pleased to say that since my last update I have been dragged against my will to hostelries that have done nothing to prevent stoking my ire - a pub I went to in Vienna last summer might be an all time low - and at least we can learn something. 21. What are you supposed to do about that loud, overbearing, tedious cunt with no self-awareness? Have a word. They are probably ruining your pub for some people. If they take offence and never return, your patronage might improve! 22. Toilet ratio. This has always been an issue, but is especially pronounced in the new 'Craft Bee...

The Bell, Walton on the Hill

I say Walton, it could be Endor. In fact, it almost certainly would have improved Return of the Jedi if there'd been an incongruous red brick pub instead of the fucking Sylvanian Families. And it would have been a shit tonne better for the party when the Death Star blows up. Downside, trickier to flog lucrative merch to impressionable demanding children. I know what the cast would have rathered, most of them were off their tits. Whilst I'm on the subject - isn't this an odd way to start a write up of an excellent pub? - how did they always manage to land on exactly the right spot on an entire Earth sized planet or moon? I know they were Earth sized because the gravity was always exactly 1g. It's a life ruining pain in the arse if you mistakenly go to Carmarthen rather than Caernarfon, imagine if you landed on Dagobar's equivalent of Lapland only to find that Yoda was busy sunning themself in Tuvalu? There were no such issues whilst navigating the forest ...

Cricketers Inn, Epsom

  I am so fucking massively disappointed, and I only have myself to blame. For some reason, having discovered this pub on a widely used online mapping site, and cased the joint using its street viewing tool, I didn't actually bother clicking on the accompanying link to the pub's website. Had I done so, I would have discovered that the Cricketers is a Stonegate pub. Whilst not being an immediate red flag, it is certainly a grey flag, and I would tempered my expectations accordingly. Let's discuss those expectations.  The quintessentially English pub overlooks a green. Always. This will be used for cricket, or bowls, or croquet, or dancing around maypoles, or burning heretics, or morris dancing (hopefully not), or jousting or some shit. The pub sign will not be affixed to the pub but hanging from a pylon on the green itself. Nearby will be a pond for dangling ones feet in when cooling off in the summer months. The building will be of a nonsensical layout, with various additio...

William's Ale and Cider House, Spitalfields

  I have of late come to realise that the thing above all others that really inspires me to put pen to paper is having my expectations utterly confounded.  I have begun writing a review of The Friendship in Borth, yet to be completed, but there was a bizarre, cold, deserted husk of a pub that over the course of three hours became one of my favourite ever. And the opposite can happen too. I love cider. It has a hard time. I barely ever drink it when I'm out because it's almost impossible to get a good pint of cider anywhere. Even in Zummerzet, as I discovered earlier this year. But in London you can get anything! If you want really good Korean food, you can get it. If you want to go to a specialist Belgian beer bar that makes you feel like you're in Ghent, you're sorted. If you want the latest faddy Instagrammable food trends that cost an absolute fucking fortune and are 'curated' by someone whose Dad is a major shareholder in BAE then there's Borough Market....