It's been a while, but here's the rub. I only come to learn of things that pubs are doing wrong by going to shit pubs. This is something I try my hardest to avoid. Money is tight and life is short. I prefer to spend my time and money in fantastic pubs that are doing little wrong (I type this from The Snowdrop in Lewes) and therefore examples of terrible pub etiquette will become scarce. But, I am pleased to say that since my last update I have been dragged against my will to hostelries that have done nothing to prevent stoking my ire - a pub I went to in Vienna last summer might be an all time low - and at least we can learn something.
21. What are you supposed to do about that loud, overbearing, tedious cunt with no self-awareness? Have a word. They are probably ruining your pub for some people. If they take offence and never return, your patronage might improve!
22. Toilet ratio. This has always been an issue, but is especially pronounced in the new 'Craft Beer Bars' that have limited space for toilets. It's not fair that women should be queuing for twenty minutes to get rid of the drinks you've charged them for. Perhaps it's time we started to take female urinals seriously?
23. If you decide that your best recourse for attracting punters are hilarious signs outside your tavern reading either "Hubby day-care centre" or some tedious shit about charges invoked for different hypothetical replies to phone calls from patrons wives, give up now. Unless you have something genuinely amusing to say, you are simply advertising your terrible sense of humour , complete absence of original ideas, and ignorance of your own personality vacuum, and anyone with a nanogramme of sense will make inferrations about your pub.
24. Feel free to ask people to sit together if the alternative is turning people away. People might like it.
25. Beer mats are a prerequisite. I'm genuinely stunned to even be typing this. When taking the decision to run a pub your shopping list should look something like: beer; tables; chairs; beer mats; spirits; House Of The Dead arcade shooter. It amazes me how many of the new breed of 'Craft Beer bars' (including some that I really like) ignore this necessity.
26. Have good cider. A fuller thesis will follow, but it fills me with burning rage to my very core that pubs with a well deserved pride in their ale selection will happily serve watered down, syrupy, boiled piss in place of real cider.
27. Toilet genders should be clearly marked. No 'hilarious' puns or indecipherable graphics.
28. Some people don't like dogs. Some are genuinely scared of them. Insist that dog owners are aware that lots of people will merely be tolerating their slobbering shit-machine, and won't necessarily be overjoyed by it leaping all over them.
29. If you have a telly in your pub, do not forget that it has an 'Off' mode. Few people go to the pub to hear every third word of Eastenders.
30. Stop doing the two stage pour for keg stout. It's easy to find out the reason it was used for Guinness back in the day. There's no need for it now.
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