The Golden Ark, Selsdon

I was quite overjoyed to be crossing the threshold of this particular hostelry for several reasons. For two, mine and mine companion's bus journey had been quite hellish, and upon alighting the omnibus a cloudburst immediately began to saturate our garb.

 Besides the above, my limited research of The Golden Ark showed it to have a fine selection of cask ale and kegged beers, but I was also aware that our attendance coincided (not coincidentally) with a beer festival.

For reasons unclear to me, a beer festival taking place in October must now be marketed as an Oktoberfest, even though the Munich Oktoberfest takes place in September. Some of these events are utterly dreadful, as anyone who has spent an afternoon ankle deep in mud queuing in the rain for mediocre overpriced beer surrounded by braying twats in plastic lederhosen can attest. As The Golden Ark's festival was taking place indoors within the confines of the premises, I was hopeful.

The bar itself (I don't feel it's quite correct to call it a pub) is one of the relatively new craft beer bars that have moved into empty retail units. My feelings about these tend towards the positive on the whole. It must be hellish difficult to keep a traditional pub going these days, a much smaller space with a large selection of cans and bottles (doubling up as a specialist off-license) makes a lot more sense. What I do find however is that as these new style of bars are a necessity of modernity they do charge head-first into what I might loosely call 'modern beer.' You know the sort of thing - all kegged hazy NEIPAs and tiny cans of barrel aged imperial pastry stouts. If people like it and it keeps the bailiffs off your doorstep don't let me stop you, but it just seems that cask ale doesn't have to be completely excluded.

 Anyway, I'm pleased to report that The Golden Ark bucks this trend. It does have all the usual kegged suspects, but also three handpulls. On the day that we attend there were a further eight casks on stillage in the main bar area. A lesson to some of these bars out there, cask and keg are not mutually exclusive!

 The fixtures and fittings were as you would expect for most craft beer bars, but nicer. They can sometimes be desolate places, character after all comes with age, but The Golden Ark has gone to effort to try and give itself a bit of charm. Some old photos on the walls, books and games and cards, dried hops hanging from the beams. Easy wins, but these little touches are what make the difference between a welcoming inn and an injecting cubicle.

However, all that positive work was undermined by the completely unnecessary plethora of orange and black Halloween gubbins pinned all over the place. When did this become a thing? I certainly don't remember Halloween decorations in pubs in the epoch that I began my ongoing ale pilgrimage, is it not after all a festival marketed towards children? No doubt it is yet another lamentable example of the continual Americanisation of culture that The Pub is supposed to be the last bulwark against!

But to truly reflect my final opinion of the venue, I must return to one of the many positives, an outstanding selection of snacks. It's such an easy win it remains a mystery to me why so many pubs to this day will only have three flavours of Walkers in a box under the bar. I very much enjoyed my chilli and coriander cashews, and my arm-bending colleague reciprocated with a bag of excitingly flavoured deep fried tuber slices. An extra pound on top of every order and an increasing thirst among your clientele, a strong snack selection remains a prerequisite for a decent bar. 

Whilst working our way through the cask (and occasionally keg!) offerings I happened across a menu which listed a whole catalogue of exotic beverages available from the bar. These included, but were not limited to; Mojitos; Margaritas; Manhattans; Negronis; Tequila Sunrise; Singapore Slings; Woo Woos; Sexes on the beach; and Pornstar Martinis. Each had their own sticky page in the menu with either some form of special offer or some way of 'improving' the drink with the addition of an extra ingredient. I get what they're doing. Trying to have something for everyone. A laudable aim in many respects, but where does it end? Pie & Mash and a light up dancefloor? Oat milk skinny lattes and shisha pipes? Poetry slam and pole dancing? Traditional Viking mead and a Ping pong show? Pick a couple of things and do them really well. So long as you don't take the piss people will come back for more. And The Golden Ark does plenty well, I can't help feel that the big book of cocktails are a bit of a gimmick. 

The afternoon became the evening, and the beer list was circumnavigated. Cards were played, snacks devoured, frothing tankards quaffed in the midst of the hearty bonhomie. The main thing that struck me about The Golden Ark was the atmosphere that has been created, and that's not necessarily easy to achieve in a craft beer bar. It was lively, it was welcoming, it was convivial. Everyone in there gave the impression of a comfort that is only achieved after visiting an establishment for twenty years and having your own arseprint permanently etched into the fabric. I'd very, much like to visit again, all I need to do now is find a reason for me to ever come back to Selsdon. It's tricky. I'm racking my brains. Then I realise that The Golden Ark is reason enough.