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The Rules of The Pub: 1 to 10

Rule 96. Don't let the cat near your pork scratchings.

I've lost count of the times I've been in a mediocre pub and behind the bar is a wooden sign reading something like:

Rules of the Pub
Rule No.1: The bartender is always right. 
Rule No.2: If the bartender is wrong, see rule number one.

It's the public house equivalent of a Live, Love, Laugh sign. I think we can do better.

I've started the process of codifying a non-exhaustive list of what I think the rules are for a great pub. They are a mixture of aesthetic guidance, behavioural rules, and stock suggestions. They are all eminently achievable, so long as you can desist from selling spoiled beer and are capable of putting up a stud wall.

The fist ten are:

1. You can't please everyone. Trying to please everyone can actually lead you to pleasing no-one.

2. Open plan is bad. A quiet, solitary, contemplative pint can take place in the next room to a riotous orgy, but not in the same room. 

3. The customer is NOT always right, but never, ever, tell them.

4. Customers keep a roof over your head and bailiffs away, but don't allow them to compromise your core principles e.g. racism, harassment, drug use. If on the other hand you have no principles, enjoy running your horrible pub.

5. Don't have a jukebox connected to an online database - you will have given away your only  opportunity to exercise quality control! Stick to CDs. 

6. If you do choose to have any piped music in your pub, make sure it's avoidable. There might be some idiots out there that can't stand the music of David Bowie, but idiots do still buy drinks.

7. Customers who inconvenience you must be tolerated (but not indefinitely). Customers who inconvenience other customers must not be tolerated.

8. Keep your ale well. 

9. Choose your drinks well. Furthermore...

10. Mass produced, kegged, pale lager is pretty much essential, but you only ever need two on a bar. One budget, one premium. It's all the same fucking shit at the end of the day.

More rules to follow....
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