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The Rules of The Pub: 11 to 20

 

Rule 97. Don't be a note-fold-cock

I'm certain that you will be tumescent with excitement to hear that I have been to several more pubs. Further reviews are on their way, along with my much ruminate upon treatise on cider and a thorough critique on the ephemera that coalesce to create the perfect pub.

In the meantime, these visits have given me even deeper insight into the rules of the pub. Waving a tenner at the bartender will not get you served any quicker. It's not the first time they've seen one. Other people have them. You just look like a tit.

11.  Don't underestimate the importance of the correct level and hue of lighting. Electric light should be used sparingly. People who are drinking together don't necessarily want to see each other clearly.

12. Never, ever, ever, ever, fucking ever, demand payment for a drink before you have begun pouring it. That's what Wetherspoons do.

13. None of those oversized stupid keg taps. Guinness tend to be the worst offenders. They look fucking ridiculous.

14. If you're lucky enough to have some outdoor space at your pub, there needs to be some greenery. Nobody respectable wants to drink in a desolate concrete yard.

15. Train and back your staff from their very first shift. They must know what is and isn't acceptable and have the confidence to call it out. They won't if they don't feel supported.  

16. Become a purveyor of a huge variety of salty snacks. Invest. Have something for all palates. Few things will keep people drinking like bag after bag of salty snacks.

17. A couple of (complete) packs of cards and some pub games should be available.

18. Old photographs/paintings/etchings/cave paintings of the local area will not only be of interest, but also sow the seed that your pub has been at the heart of the community since time immemorial, and should therefore continue to be there forever more.

19. There are lots of potential punters who would feel self-conscious about visiting a pub alone, therefore have a daily newspaper and a selection of periodicals and 'toilet books'.

20. Embrace banquettes. Their appeal is liminal, but I can safely say that all of the best pubs I've visited have some form of banquette arrangement.

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